Singer-turned-broadcaster Hwang Hye-young candidly revealed her anxiety, tension and childhood wounds ahead of a brain follow-up exam for the first time in three years.
Hwang Hye-young recently posted a photo on her Instagram of herself undergoing tests at a hospital and began, "Already three years have passed." He said, "From the year I was diagnosed in 2010 I had follow-up tests every six months and every year, and then three years ago for the first time I was told I could wait three years to be seen and felt liberated," but added, "People's hearts are truly fickle: even though I knew I would have to live with lifelong follow-up exams, now that three years have passed and another test day has come, I have had sleepless nights for days and feel nervous and as if I have returned to square one," she said.
Recalling that time, he wrote, "If you count by my current age of 38, it was when I was 37 that I had persistent unexplained headaches, dizziness and nausea, and as always I went to the hospital alone to get tested and heard the results alone — that day comes back vividly as if it were a few days ago."
She went on, "It's a meningioma… what is that?? It's a brain tumor. Set the surgery date quickly. It was that simple and brief," describing the situation at the time. She said calmly, "It was midwinter but I don't know how long I sat on the outdoor bench at the hospital without feeling the cold. I didn't even cry. I didn't think, why is this happening to me… No, I thought, of course — it makes sense. I knew it would end up like this, and that thought was stronger."
Hwang Hye-young recalled the day she returned home without scheduling a surgery and brought up memories of her childhood. She wrote, "The earliest days I can remember, probably from around age 4 or 5. There were loud fights and things breaking so often it was almost every other day, and the next morning my mother was always gone." She added, "Holding onto my mother's house clothes I had slept in the night before, I set out to find her unable to even put on my shoes properly."
She also confessed, "My father was always busy and my mother was always gone. On the rare days both were at home, it was always a day of fighting, and afterward my mother always took out her anger on me," and, "They unloaded the 100 things parents should never say to a child without missing a single one. The pattern of unloading and disappearing repeated dozens of times."
She said, "My childhood memories are always gray. I would pace from room to room every evening until I fell asleep from exhaustion, I couldn't finish my homework on my own so I was scolded at school, and I was so afraid of being scolded that I would cry until 2 or 3 a.m. not knowing what to do," and "My childhood and teenage years were always tense, dark, depressed and unbearably lonely."
She said, "It seems accurate to say I got through each day in my 20s by taking antidepressants and panic disorder medication I started taking in my 20s," and added, "The result of that was a brain tumor diagnosis — I thought it was natural. It would have been stranger if some part of my body hadn't broken from bearing such painful, depressed and lonely childhood days."
Hwang Hye-young said, "I was simply tired of living. I was so exhausted that I desperately wanted to rest, and when I let everything go with no will, I met my husband, and he willingly became my straw," expressing gratitude toward her husband.
Fifteen years after surgery, she said, "The wounds that kept getting raw without time to heal in my childhood have now become layers of scars, I have a happy new family, and I became a mother doing her best, determined never to pass on the wounds I received to my children."
Finally she added, "After today's follow-up exam, there will be another week until the results come out, and my insides will be in a storm whether I eat, work or do anything, but as always I will endure silently. Because I am a mother."
Many netizens have sent messages of support in response to her heartfelt confession ahead of a follow-up exam for the first time in three years, saying, "I support you," "I hope you get good results," and "You are stronger because you are a mother."
[Photo] Hwang Hye-young SNS
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