After leaving her brother behind, 4Minute's Heo Ga-yoon shared her thoughts and changes she felt.
On the 14th, the 'Sebasi lecture' channel uploaded a video titled "'I couldn't even open new things...' the story of sobbing while sorting her brother's belongings."
That day, Heo Ga-yoon, who took the stage at the 'Sebasi lecture', gave a talk about her difficult times and the realizations that came from them. She recalled the time after 4Minute disbanded when work decreased and said, "As the amount of time I wasn't working increased, I realized I didn't know how to rest before. I didn't know how to rest, and because I didn't know how to rest my body began to get sick. When I was in 4Minute I would fall asleep as soon as my head hit something. My life then was: get in the car and sleep, open the door and dance and sing, get back in the car, close the door and sleep. Living like that I really slept well. But when work disappeared and I rested and had more time to think, those periods got longer and I couldn't sleep."
She continued, "When I stayed up all night and then woke up, I would eat like someone who hadn't eaten for days. I ate to a scary extent. Once I started eating I couldn't stop until my stomach felt like it would burst and I would stop because I felt like I would die. Then when I looked in the mirror at that swollen version of myself I would cry. Why did I become like this? Why did I become someone who can't take care of herself? I felt so foolish and I was sad. That I was doing this with food. I think I fell into that vicious cycle. Then I'd starve the next day and exercise like crazy and live like that," she recalled the time when both her body and mind were falling apart.
Heo Ga-yoon said, "One day I woke up and had a red full-body allergy. I was so scared I went to the hospital for tests and was told I had rheumatic vasculitis and hypothyroidism. At that time I really took a lot of medicine, went to many hospitals, and tried to cure it, but it didn't get better. Bulimia and insomnia got worse and worse. I think there were almost no days I slept properly then. I don't think there were any days I had a proper meal."
She went on, "One night when I had stayed up as usual and finally fallen into a shallow sleep, in the wee hours my mother called. I thought it would be like ordinary days where she'd say, 'Are you still asleep?', 'You're still awake? Have you eaten? What are you doing today?' but my mother's calm voice and pauses I had never heard before continued. As I listened she said my brother suddenly passed away. My brother worked at a clothing company. He was really busy with a lot of work. Sometimes when the family had a special meal he couldn't come and many times he would just eat and leave right away. When I went to my parents' home on my days off he was mostly not at home, I think," she mentioned the news of her older brother's death.
She said, "My brother always said while working at the company that when he saved as much money as he aimed for he wanted to become independent, take a long trip, and when he saved this much money he wanted to do what he really wanted to do. But among those things, not long after he first said he wanted to become independent he... Then I went to the house he lived alone in and sorted his belongings and the things he used to say kept coming to mind. And that he worked like that and ended up like that, that he couldn't do all the things he wanted to do, was so sad and heartbreaking," she said tearfully.
Heo Ga-yoon said, "While cleaning the house everything was brand new. The appliances were new, there were so many newly purchased electronic devices, still in their packaging. Everything was new, and it hurt so much that he left without using any of it. I also thought, he probably didn't expect this either. If he had known he wouldn't have been so frugal and would not have kept saying 'next time, later, when I make a lot of money.' How full of regret that must be. So many thoughts came to mind. And at that time I said this a lot: 'life is really empty.' I had never said that before. After experiencing my brother's death and sorting his belongings I thought a lot, 'wow life really is empty.' And whenever I missed my brother or thought of him, the same thoughts came up," she confessed.
She continued, "So I made a resolution. Even if I die tomorrow I want to live without regret. Not for my success and fame, but to live for real happiness. And I decided not to postpone anything. Don't postpone, don't hoard. If there's something I want to do or want, do it right away. Those thoughts seemed to let me leave for Bali without any worries," she explained the process of leaving for Bali after experiencing her brother's death.
In Bali she said she visited all the places she wanted to go, ate what she wanted to eat, and did everything she wanted to do, adding, "Before I never thought I could let myself relax and I wouldn't even allow it. But a day without anything to control felt so good. I slept well. When I had bulimia it always happened when I was alone. But that also calmed down. Somehow I found comfort without realizing it. My body felt more comfortable, my mind felt more comfortable, and I began to feel gratitude and happiness for small things," and "living like that my relationship with my mother also improved," conveying the positive changes and adding poignancy.
Meanwhile, Heo Ga-yoon lost her brother in December 2020. Heo Ga-yoon's older brother had long suffered from a chronic illness, and it was reported that his chronic illness worsened and he passed away at a young age, which drew sympathy. Afterwards Heo Ga-yoon moved her residence to Bali, and she is currently sharing her peaceful daily life in Bali through social networking.
[photo] Sebasi lecture
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